Thank You For This Moment

As I write this, out of hundreds of thousands of published fiction writers I'm the 51st bestselling novelist on Amazon. That's a ranking determined by the current sale of all my books in all their formats put together (as they're selling on Amazon, I have no idea what is or isn't happening over at Barnes &Noble). When I pull up the page that has my name and picture listed, (Amazon bestselling authors 51-60) I see my name hovering above Yann Martel (Life Of Pi) and the critically adored Jo Nesbø(who appears to be the next Stieg Larsson).  John Grisham is only one spot above me. I really haven't been in this position since the early years of Sophie. But since I have been here before I know how fleeting these moments can be. One second you're on National TV, getting two page articles in Cosmo and you're making the national bestsellers list and the next your genre isn't trendy anymore, bookstores decrease their inventory and your publisher starts investing their dwindling marketing dollars on the next big thing, and you're not it. I swear, I can look back at some of the New York Times & USA Today bestselling stars of my genre during 2003-2005 and compile a three page list of authors for an E! Where-Are-They-Now special.

So I want to thank you now, while this moment is happening.

Life is never as you expect it to be. I fell madly in love when I was young and married when I was still in college to a man I later realized I didn't know at all. We had a beautiful, brilliant and sensitive little boy together who has special needs that present their own challenges. My marriage ended in a spectacular and frightening way when my son was two and I've been a single mom ever since. At the time it was emotionally traumatizing and financially devastating. I abandoned the fashion industry where I had been carving out a career for myself and took a marketing manager job at a small tennis club that had a daycare. Unfortunately they weren't equipped to handle children like mine and eventually I ended up spending more time in the daycare than at my desk which didn't work for anyone, least of all my employer.

I started writing for no other reason than that I needed to create a world I could escape into. When the first book I penned (Sex, Murder & A Double Latte) ended up landing me a three book deal in 2004, well, it was like manna from heaven. I was given a good advance, enough to quit my day job and give my son the focus he clearly needed at the time and pay for the occupational therapies, private schools and so forth. I could schedule my writing around that, even if it sometimes meant writing into the wee-hours of the night. And the book was a big success. The media attention was fantastic. I was in the New York Times, the Boston Globe, there were ads in Elle and features in OK! Cosmo and Z!NK. I was on national television and countless regional talk shows. In retrospect I can see that it all came a little too easily. My journey from broke single mom to acclaimed published author didn't prepare me for how brutal this career path can actually be.

With My Son at a Book Event

Hamptons Launch Party

It's not that everything has been downhill from there. In 2005 I went on a book tour in Italy and was wined and dined by my Italian publisher in Milan, in 2006 there was a Launch party in the Hamptons, by 2008 I had three Sophie audiobooks that were bestsellers in 12 countries and in 2011 I optioned the Sophie series to Lifetime and even sold them the pilot script which I was paid well for. But there have also been serious declines in print sales, my most critically acclaimed book and stand-alone novel, So Much for My Happy Ending didn't do well commercially, there was the folding of the imprint that I used to write for (Red Dress Ink), the loss of a contract with the parent company that owned Red Dress (Harlequin) and that pilot script was never made. My son's doing incredibly well. He is so smart and exudes more empathy than any other person I know. He just has a good heart. But he still has his challenges and the expenses of meeting his needs have only grown higher.  I pay $35,000/year for a private school that specializes in gifted children with special needs. Out-of-pocket medical expenses are significant and there are times when I wonder if I need to abandon writing for a steadier profession or just let some sugar daddy pay the bills for us...I've had the opportunity to do both...but I've never quite been able to get myself to do either. Still, the thoughts linger. Why not turn off my computer and put all my energy into a higher paying sales job? Why not hook up with the old guy with the fake tan and real Ferrari and hand the bills to him? It's not something I want to do but I always wonder if I'm just one sacrifice short of providing my son with so much more. As it is we live in a tiny apartment, I drive a 11-year-old car, we almost never vacation out of state anymore and as a result I can pay for his private school...although I'm always stressing about whether or not this is the month I won't be able to pay the bills. Maybe writing isn't what I need to be doing.

And then I have moments like these. Moments when my readers come to the rescue and find a way to wedge my name between Martel and Grisham and then my perspective changes. It's only a moment. I have no way of knowing how long it will last and it's entirely possible that it will end before it changes my financial situation in any significant way.  But it's a moment that will bolster and motivate me. Because even if the moment ends tomorrow I'm reminded that moments like these are possible and it drives me forward. It makes the blank screen I'm about to write on seem like an opportunity rather than an imprudent indulgence.

If I was at the Oscars I'd read off a laundry list of people who helped make this happen. My amazing editor, Adam Wilson who bent over backward to keep me in the game, my mother who has always been there as a babysitter, therapist and loan officer when I needed one and so on. But no one could have helped me without my readers dedication.

So I'm going to say it one more time, thank you for this moment. It means everything to me.