Oh Wow, My Son Actually Likes Girls...

This week my son came out as a heterosexual.  It wasn't an official pronouncement or anything but I think there's little doubt about which team he's batting for at this point.  When I told a male friend about what brought me to this conclusion he was thrilled. "This is great news!" he gushed and lifted his hand for a high-five.  "Your son's straight! Of course it's okay if our children do end up being gay but we hope for straight, right?"

To be honest, no. At least not in my case.  It's not that I was exactly hoping for gay, I was just fairly ambivalent about the subject.  Although it did occur to me that my son, who is a little outside the mainstream anyway, might have an easier time getting a date if he WAS gay.  Plus it would give him a group to belong to, a cause to root for and all that.

I know what you're all thinking. Being a gay adolescent and teen is TOUGH.  For one thing there's the bullying to worry about...except, like I indicated above, I already have a child who has to worry about that kind of thing regardless of what his sexuality is which is one of several reasons why I have him at a private school where bullying of any kind isn't tolerated. At. All.  And the kids at this school are all unique and very accepting of each others' differences so I don't think that in this setting being gay would have been a problem.  There's also the Harvey Milk High School in New York. I don't anticipate moving to New York but in the back of my mind I always thought that if my son was gay we could move there and then I could get him into a public school with small class sizes, a supportive social environment and a great arts program.  And again, it would be public so no tuition! Now we're not really eligible for the program, all because my son is no longer afraid of cooties.

And I think there might be other benefits to being gay too. For instance, my single gay friends who are my age and live in tolerant areas of the country and come from accepting and loving families seem to be significantly happier than the singe straight friends who have those same advantages.  This, by the way, is NOT true of the gay guys I know who are in relationships (it seems that gay relationships have the same potential of being dysfunctional as straight ones) nor is it true of my lesbian friends. But the vast majority of my gay friends are conspicuously calm about being single.  In fact it's something they celebrate it.  The gay guys who want to have a child obviously have to consider some unconventional methods but again, in the areas of California that I've lived in (and obviously this isn't true everywhere) there's a lot of support for those who are willing to pursue those methods be they adoption or finding surrogates (which is good because these aren't easy processes to go through).  But the difference is that while they can find support if they want to have kids no one is pressuring these guys into it. If they don't want them it's all fine. Again, many of my single straight friends who don't want kids feel like they are somehow letting society down.  They feel like they're being judged for their lifestyle choices.

Now please remember that I spent most of my life in the Bay Area and many of those years in San Francisco which is probably the most gay-friendly area on earth. And even there you can find accounts of violence committed against people by bigots who are too insecure with themselves to live-and-let-live.    As a black-Jewish single mom I know from experience that being a minority comes with some serious challenges...challenges that my son with his blond hair, blue/grey eyes and fondness for girls will rarely have to deal with first hand.  I know what it's like to feel that there are parts of the country where I might not feel welcome.  I also know that those challenges, as ugly as they sometimes are, foster a sense of community among the persecuted group.  If my son had been gay I would have helped him find ways to be part of that community and learn to embrace this difference.

But it seems I have a white, straight son.  So now my job will be to let him know that he only has to have kids if he wants them and help him understand that, should he ever date a black woman, he needs to keep his hands off her hair for at least three days after she's had it done (this is information that is frequently passed on to young black boys in barbershops but my son doesn't have typical African-American hair so that lesson will be mine to teach).  Obviously I will love him regardless of whether he ends up marrying, staying single, dating men, women or both.  I really don't care as long as he's happy and is a good person.

So I'm here to say I'm okay with my son's heterosexuality.  When he eventually does pair up I'm sure he'll make some wonderful woman very happy.

As for the guys out there, sorry, your loss.

Kyra Davis

Bestselling Author of:

The Sophie Katz Mystery Series 

and

So Much For My Happy Ending

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