Making A Case For Mere Lip-Service

I recently had a discussion with a friend about the blatant and frequently flaunted racism and prejudices you see in certain areas of the world (including areas in this country) verses the concealed racism and prejudices that exist in other parts of the world/country.  When I talk about concealed prejudices I'm talking about all those people who will tell you (sometimes passionately) that they believe that we are all created equal regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation or nationality. And yet they don't really believe it. Deep in their hearts they do feel that some people are lesser than others and they betray their expressed lofty ideals with hundreds of little insidious (and usually subconscious) actions that undermine those they look down upon.  So the question is are the under-cover racists really any better than the racists who freely own up to their prejudices?

Yes, they are.  For one thing, under-cover racists are a lot less likely to burn a cross in your yard or commit a violent hate crime and there really is something to be said for NOT being lynched.  But I also believe that those who pay lip service to tolerance and equality are better because unlike their Klan-like counterparts they intellectually know that their prejudices are wrong.  Maybe they're afraid of the big black guy walking down the street but they're ashamed of their fear.  They're ashamed that they're holding on to stereotypes that they know on an intellectual level (if not a gut level) are unjust.  Perhaps they get squeamish when they see two guys holding hands but they're embarrassed by their own discomfort. They want to be as good as their words.  When you grow up being taught one thing it's hard to do a 180 and believe something else.  The fact that these people want to be accepting and tolerant counts for something and we should applaud their efforts by reaching out to them rather than berating them for being hypocritical.  And of course if those they quietly discriminate against reach out to them these secretly prejudiced individuals may truly change their way of thinking. Clearly they're trying to do that anyway so why alienate them? 

But the most important reason why we should appreciate those who at least pay lip-service to equality is because of the lessons they are teaching their children.  When I was a kid I was incredibly close to my grandmother and she always told me that judging someone based on their sexual orientation was simply illogical. "What do I care about what two people do in the privacy of their own bedroom," my grandmother would say indignantly.  "Why should anyone waste their time worrying about who other people are dating? If they're a good person they're a good person."  In fact my grandmother's only complaint against  the gay community was that they had hijacked the word "gay" which in her day was a very descriptive word for a certain kind of happiness.  My grandmother loved words and resented it when they were co-opted by a group and given a different meaning.  But aside from that she claimed to be completely accepting of the gay community and wore her tolerance with pride.  This was of course a rather radical stance for a woman who was born around the turn of the 20th century and I took her message to heart.

It wasn't until much later that I realized that my grandmother wasn't actually comfortable with the idea of homosexuality.  She frequently refused to see it even when it was in front of her face and when forced to she became...well, she became uncomfortable.  It wasn't all that difficult to make my grandmother angry or indignant but she was rarely uncomfortable and when she was it was definitely noticeable.  The truth is she didn't want those close to her to be gay.

But by the time I figured this out it was too late. I had spent my early childhood years (those years when I was too young to fully understand that what grown-ups say and what they believe are often quite different) listening to those I loved most in the world tell me over and over again that we are all created equal.  The message had been driven home.  By the time I understood my grandmother's true feelings I had already made up my mind to believe in her earlier teachings.  And the very fact that she refused to articulate her true feelings on the issue showed me that she believed her true feelings were wrong.

In the last decade the number of interracial marriages has risen 20%. How many of those people were raised by parents who gave lip-service to racial equality but secretly wouldn't have dreamed of dating outside their own race?  But it doesn't matter what the parents were willing to do.  What matters is what they taught their kids.  On a societal level this method makes for a slow learning curve but it's a learning curve nonetheless.  Sometimes it's not such a bad idea to talk the talk even if walking the walk is a struggle.  

Kyra Davis

Bestselling Author of:

The Sophie Katz Mystery Series 

and

So Much For My Happy Ending

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