Metrosexuals: Not Hot.

When I first moved to LA I assumed that the majority of the guys that I happened to be meeting were gay. Now I realize that I was wrong, it's just that many (although not all) of the straight men here do things that only gay guys do in other parts of the country. They make appointments for their bimonthly manzillians, they don't smile for pictures because it makes their wrinkles show and they carry around hand lotion so they can keep their skin baby soft. And then they do other things that my gay friends would never do...not because it's too butch but because it's too girly. They read their horoscope every day. They go to psychics and talk about the male and female energy of the sun. They read self-help books and quote pithy affirmations that they probably got from some calendar that has kittens on it.

I honestly don't get it. It's like they took the most difficult parts of being a woman and claimed it as their own. And why? Surely not for the women of this city. I've lost count of how many of my female-LA friends have wistfully told me that what they really need is a man. Not a metrosexual, not some yoga addict with a "vision board" and a weekly appointment at a tanning salon. No, they want a MAN. That's not to say women want men to let themselves go. By all means get a decent hair cut, wear clothes that flatter you, workout, eat healthy and if you've got a hairy back wax that stuff off but that woman you overheard complaining about hairy men? She honestly wasn't talking about your pubes and unless your name is Michael Phelps keep the razor on your face and off your legs.

And enough with all the talk about being a spiritual being and the power of positive thinking. We get it. You're not a negative person, you appreciate nature and the world that you live in above all else. All of that would come across as a lot more genuine if instead of telling us what your life philosophy is you showed us through your actions. When you're spending hours every day looking in the mirror, tweezing out that one errant chest hair, finding the fine line in need of collagen, the whole I-am-a-spiritual-being thing sort of takes on an ironic twist that I don't think you're aware of. But aside from that it also sounds like you're quoting a Hallmark greeting card that was specifically designed for the New Age Vegan set. Women generally aren't into that. Again, no one's saying that you need to sound like John Wayne from a 1950s western. A lot of women (including myself) like intellectuals. But quoting The Secret or the "wise" cheery words emailed to you from greatday.com isn't intellectual. It's just kinda annoying.

So guys, if this post describes you the good news is you don't have to wax your balls anymore. Yay! The bad news is that you might have to grow a pair.

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!