It's All In The Approach

For all the sexist inequalities that women have had to put up with over the years there are still some areas where we have it a lot easier than men. For one thing, we are rarely expected to make the first move in the dating world. That’s not to say that some women don’t.  Some even enjoy it, but we don’t have to. No one expects it of us. Different story for men.  They’re the ones who carry the burden of starting a conversation with the woman they find attractive, asking for her number and eventually asking her on a date. Rightly or wrongly that’s expected of him. I’ve been on a sort of dating hiatus for the last few months, taking a much needed break from all the hetro-dysfunction that has been complicating my life.  And yet when a guy approaches me I really try to be nice and will talk to him until I find a way to gracefully beg out with a white lie about having a boyfriend or some such thing. I do this because I really respect the courage it takes to walk across the room and start talking to a woman you don’t know. As a writer I have an enormous amount of respect for anyone who will put themselves out there even though they know there’s a strong possibility of rejection.

But. The reality is that as much as I admire the courage, the technique usually needs a lot of work.  I really try to be patient but too frequently I find myself thinking, “Come on, use your brain for just a millisecond. I promise it won’t hurt.”  Like the other day at Trader Joe’s when a guy I had never met before came up to me, described his work-out routine and then showed me his shopping cart so I might be impressed with how healthy he eats. That rather bizarre attempt at a conversation starter ended when he inexplicably segued into an explanation of how he plucks his eyelashes out of the corner of his eyes to improve his peripheral vision. Or the other guy who emailed me just this week via Facebook with a message that lead with (and I’m quoting here):

You don’t know me (yet) but you seem like an interesting person to meet and luckily for you I’m a very, very interesting guy.  

I sensed that he was trying to be cute rather than egocentric and stalkerish. And yet. It didn’t help that his profile pic was of his car...although I’ll admit that was very LA of him.  

My friend Kim tells me that these people approach me because I’m what you all a “friendly,” which is to say that I’m nice, smile a lot, say “excuse me,” when I have to push past someone in a store and “thank you” to the cashier who rings me up.  As a result people look at me and think, “That’s a person who I can talk to and who won’t punch me when I let my inner-crazy come out.”

Right. Well I’m going to be friendly now and give out some more dating advice for men. There are ways to approach a women that will get you better results than others. Here’s how it works.

1) If you must use a line make sure it’s both flattering and funny. If you can make a girl laugh you’re chances of getting her number have gone up by 80%.  I remember being at Starbucks quite a while back, totally engrossed in a book.  All of a sudden a napkin was dropped into my lap and the man who obviously dropped it there continued walking to the line to get coffee. Confused, I picked up the napkin and saw that on it he had written, “Hi! My name is Steve!” It was funny and genuinely cute and when he got his drink and came over to talk to me I welcomed his company.  I don’t doubt that he had used that technique before but it was clever and most definitely original.  

2) Don’t get handsy during the first encounter. You are much more likely to be allowed to be naughty later if you’re nice now.

3) Make sure that when you walk over to a woman it’s to start a conversation not a monologue. Don’t try to start things by listing off all your attributes. For argument’s sake, lets say your god complex is justified. But God doesn’t have to tell you how cool He is. So in the words of almost every writing professor who has ever taught a class: don’t tell, show. And please don’t tell the woman during your first conversation that you’re “a very honest guy.” Honest people don’t go around telling people they’re honest. Honestly.

4) If you’re going to compliment her looks make it a nice compliment, not a sleazy one. I remember being at a club awhile back and one of the bouncers came over to me and said, “I’m sorry if I keep looking at you but you have one of the most amazing smiles I’ve ever seen. It literally warms the room!” A male patron dressed in Gucci at that same club came up to me later and said, “You’re fucking hot.” By the end of the night I was more interested in the bouncer than anyone else.  

5) During the initial conversation it might be a good idea to avoid any question in regards to who she is that begins with the word “what.”  In this economy the question, “What do you do?” needs to be handled with a certain amount of delicacy and perhaps should be lead up to gradually so you can avoid a tearful tale of a recent lay-off. “What’s your deal?” is just stupid and rude. “What’s your story?” is cliché and “What’s someone like you doing in a place like this?” is not only cliché it will make you seem old beyond your years (and not in a good way). And if you’re not sure of a girl’s nationality/ethnicity the question, “What are you?” might get you slapped.

5) Try to keep it natural. Yes, there are ways to start a conversation naturally. If the guy at Trader Joe’s had started the conversation with, “Hi, I’ve seen you at my gym!” (which was true) rather than, “Hi! I’ve started doing pull-ups!” I might not have taken him for a raving lunatic.

Okay, that’s it. Enjoy your weekend, and good luck. Remember, courage is admirable. Stupidity? Not so much.

 

Bestselling Author of:

The Sophie Katz Mystery Series
and
So Much For My Happy Ending
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