A Bit On The Serious Side

Long Time No Blog. So sorry about that, things have been hectic and then some.

For those of you who are expecting a blog about the tour I’m afraid you’re going to have to wait another few days because this one’s going to be a bit more personal.

A while ago I wrote a blog called “Hating Gives You Wrinkles” in which I said I would never say anything negative about my ex out of respect for my son. Some things have happened recently that have lead me to believe that staying quiet about my experiences during my marriage isn’t helping anyone but instead perpetuating a problem. So I’m breaking the silence. During my marriage my husband was diagnosed as bipolar. He went on more than a few manic spending sprees, his mood was all over the place and at times his outbursts resulted in broken furniture and the like. He forged my name on several credit card applications and charged up tens of thousands of dollars of debt, he hurt himself and threatened suicide on a somewhat regular basis.

I’m writing this because I want people who are involved with a significant other who is either mentally ill or an addict to understand something. While I encourage you to try to get these people help I also strongly discourage you from martyring yourself on their behalf. It doesn’t help anyone. In fact it usually just enables the person in question thus making the whole situation worse. When it became clear to me that my husband was losing a battle to his own dark and unidentified demons I took him to a psychiatrist. I also dragged him to a marriage counselor. When he was diagnosed I told him I would forgive everything he had done in the past if he agreed to three conditions:

1) He had to come clean with me about all the things he had done up to that point in time.
2) He had to stop lying to me
3) He had to continue to take his medication and continue to see a psychiatrist.

He wasn’t able to do any of those things so I left. Things got very ugly for a while and at times downright scary (it was during this time that I started writing Sex, Murder And A Double Latte). While my friends and family all know the whole story I have made a point of not sharing any of it with the media or people that we knew that were more his friends than mine. Now he’s doing the same things he did to me to his (now ex) fiancée. He’s not an evil man but he needs help. Unfortunately you can’t force someone to get help. Many people have to hit rock bottom before they’re willing to accept their weaknesses and accept responsibility for their actions and their own well being. I know there are people who know my ex who would love to send him money to help him out of the latest mess he’s created for himself but I guarantee you that won’t help.

So here’s the moral of the story: If you are a mother, wife, husband, child or friend of a self destructive person understand that it is your responsibility to help them and sometimes helping them means walking away. Also keep in mind that you have a responsibility to yourself. Self-destructive people tend to blow up and everyone around them is hit by the shrapnel. Allowing someone else’s issues to destroy you doesn’t help anyone.

Kyra Davis
www.kyradavis.com
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