Hating Gives You Wrinkles

Geez, my life is moving so fast these days my blogs can’t keep up. Before I go into a little more detail about the Philly tour let me give you a few quick updates.

First and foremost I’m going to be reading at the Santa Cruz Borders on Wednesday night at 7:00. If you can make it I’d love to meet you.

Secondly, I was featured in the San Francisco Chronicle’s Sunday Style section. Columnist Jane Ganahl recommended my book as a good summer read. I’ve always liked Jane’s column but now I believe I’ll start reading it religiously.

Third, I was featured in Aileen Jacobson’s Newsday article about Book Expo America. It was a brief mention but when you consider all the big name authors that attended that event I find the fact that Aileen chose to mention me at all as a major compliment.

Fourth, on the 8th I was interviewed by ABC radio network’s show “The Touch.” It’s syndicated to 70 different stations nationwide—I’m not sure when the interview will air. Of all the radio interviews that I’ve done so far this one was by far my favorite. The interviewers were skilled and personable and incredibly easy to talk to. There’s more news…but it’ll have to wait.

Okay, back to my Philly tour. The morning after the DoubleTree manager’s reception I was interviewed by Connie Colla on CN8’s Your Morning. It was a brief interview and for the most part it went very well. We discussed the book (you may think that this goes without saying but it’s amazing how often interviewers spend all their time asking authors to talk about themselves and neglect to ask them about their books) and we talked about how writing Sex, Murder And A Double Latte helped to keep me sane while I was going through a difficult divorce. The only thing that didn’t sit well with me was Connie’s last comment which was as follows: “I bet your wonderful career keeps you so busy you no longer have the time to take your ex-husband’s phone calls.”

I recognized it to be the closing statement that it was and so I didn’t bother trying to correct her. However for the record: my ex-husband is the father of my child, of course I take his calls. I realize that she was joking and I certainly don’t hold the remark against her in anyway. She was a great interviewer and I would welcome the chance to talk to her again on or off camera, but here’s the thing…I have never said anything negative about my ex-husband in any kind of public forum or published article and I have no intention of starting now. Yes, I’ve said it was a horrible and messy divorce and you can take from that what you will and I’d be lying if I said that my ex and I were best buds, but we’re not bitter enemies either and here’s why: my son loves him and he loves my son. There are times when I can be angry with my ex-husband but I can’t hate someone who loves my son and I certainly can’t hate someone who gave me my son. I don’t care what grievances I have with him personally, nothing will change the way that I feel on this issue. I think some people get caught up in the idea that we are supposed to hate certain people…namely our exs and their new significant others. I don’t really understand that. Once upon a time I shared my life with this guy and now I should hate him? How does hating him make my life easier? And why should I hold any ill will against his new fiancée? For my son’s 5th birthday I invited both my ex and his fiancée to come into town for the party. While I was running around lighting birthday candles and organizing scavenger hunts a friend of mine struck up a conversation with said fiancée, not realizing who she was. Afterwards my friend called me up to apologize. “I was nice to the other woman! I’m so sorry!”

Her apology puzzled me. “She’s not the other woman,” I explained. “She’s THE woman. There’s nothing that she has that I want back.”

I figure it’s like this: if he’s able to make things work with this woman then he’ll be a happier person and if he’s a happier person he’s bound to be a better father. It’s a win-win. Furthermore I want to have a friendly relationship with the fiancée. She and my ex live rather far away but periodically my son will go up to see them and when that happens I want her to feel like she can call me if she has any questions or concerns about my child’s behavior or needs.

I know it can be difficult to resist the temptation to loose yourself in bitterness when you feel you’ve been wronged, especially when you don’t feel like those wrongs have in any way been righted or even acknowledged. But being bitter takes an enormous amount of energy plus you’ll give yourself those little frown lines around your mouth and on your forehead and you’ll have to get Botox in order to correct the problem—unless of course you can’t afford Botox because you’ve been wronged in a manner that has adversely effected your pocket book in which case you’ll become even more bitter about your inability to get your face paralyzed and thus you’ll get even more lines. Seriously—you should leave bitterness to those who can afford a plastic surgeon. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t periodically bitch about your ex to your girlfriends and the like---please do. And if you’re a writer and have the urge to write about castrating a man who bears a disturbing resemblance to someone you used to date then by all means hack away. But after you’ve done all that move on with your life. It says right there in the Declaration of Independence that we have the right to pursue happiness and if you’re allowing your hurt feelings to stand in the way of your own pursuit of this goal you are officially in violation of the constitution.

It’s very late and there is a chance that I’m babbling but I’m fairly sure I have a few words of wisdom hiding somewhere in this moderately incoherent blog post. If not then check back with me on a day during which I’ve consumed a little more caffeine.

I’ll tell you all about Book Expo America in the next post.

Kyra Davis
www.kyradavis.com
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