Changing Course Without The Customary Panic Attack

Lately I've been thinking a lot about what's next for me. This summer my boyfriend and I split up which would have been difficult under any circumstances but was made all the harder by the fact that we were about a month away from moving in with one another. We had discussed it, I was checking craigslist for places that would accommodate two adults and a child that were near his work in the Bay Area. I was looking at schools in that area as well and I was budgeting with the expectation of soon being part of a two income family. I thought I knew what direction my life was going in. I thought I knew the plan.

And then my boyfriend and I had, "the talk." That would be the talk where I realized that there were certain dreams I wasn't willing to give up on for him and to his credit there were dreams that he wasn't willing to give up for me. The problem was that our dreams were completely incompatible. You would think I would have figured that out early on but I'm rather ashamed to admit that I had spent a good portion of time trying to convince myself that I might be able to want what he wanted if I could just get myself in the right mindset. I did express doubts during our time together but by fooling both of us into believing that there was a chance I could change my mind I did us both a horrible disservice and while I can't say that I regret our relationship I can say with complete honesty that I regret the pain I caused us both.

But when I realized that he wasn't any more capable of changing his mind about things than I was my life went into a bit of turmoil. I had to change direction and there was no plan. I currently have no idea if I should be staying in LA, moving back to San Francisco or moving somewhere else entirely which is rather problematic since I have to figure out what middle schools to apply to for my son who will be entering sixth grade next fall. My financial situation isn't what I thought it was going to be which is NOT a good thing, especially when you consider private school tuition (the average cost is 30K a year here). I've tried public school and it just wasn't working for my kid for various reasons which I won't get into now. Obviously a private school tuition seemed less daunting when I was planning on splitting household expenses with someone but the question now is do I try to write two books a year? Three? People have suggested that I teach classes on self-promoting novels via theInternet and social networking...should I pursue that? Should I try to find a roommate (I REALLY don't want to)? Is it time to wage what is undoubtedly a long overdue legal fight to get the child support I'm owed? Am I ready for that particular migraine or will the stress of dealing with my ex-husband again in that capacity drive me to the nearest Medical Marijuana clinic? I currently have my son enrolled in a public homeschooling program. So in addition to the full time jobs of single-parenting and writing novels I also have the full time job of teaching fifth grade and dragging my boy to one homeschooling-group-field-trip/Parks-&-Rec class after another so he can get the necessary social interaction. How exactly can I take on more than I already have without losing my mind (or have I already lost it and am just too crazy to notice?). Plus I had believed that I was done with dating which wasn't an entirely unpleasant thought. And of course there were all the typical insecurities about my looks and the fact that I'm getting older and worries that I might have lost some of the allure necessary to attract men that I would be interested in (notice I didn't say I was worried about attracting men but men I was interested in; I have never met a woman who has a hard time attracting men she's not interested in).

In other words the end of my last relationship resulted in my having to re-evaluate a good portion of my life. I had to redefine everything.

Of course I've been in this situation before. Who hasn't? Throughout our lives we come to these times when we have to rethink things. Times when we have to change course and toss out the old plan and come up with a new one. But for me this time felt different and not entirely in a bad way.

See, those toss-out-the-old-plan-times in life are always brought on by some event or series of events. In my case this is the first time it has been brought on by something that is far short of a catastrophe/tragedy. I'm not saying that breaking up with my now ex-boyfriend wasn't hard but was it as hard as divorcing a man with a volatile psychiatric condition and a loaded firearm? Not so much. Is it as bad as realizing you have to amend all your goals because your child appears to have a serious health condition that you may or may not be able to help him with? Not even close. In my current situation no one is going to die and I don't feel the need to find a doctor willing to prescribe me anti-anxiety medication. For me this is a novelty. So much so that it's a little disconcerting. I keep assessing my situation and wondering why I'm not freaking out. And then I remind myself that if I'm calm it's because while there are certainly things to worry about there is absolutely nothing to panic about. How odd.

Now that I've had time to lick my wounds I've come to enjoy being single again. I don't plan to be single forever but I don't really have a problem with my current relationship status or lack-there-of. I apparently haven't lost my allure and I'm feeling much more confident. I still don't know where I'm going to be (or should be) living next year and that bothers me a lot but I assume I'll figure it out. Schools and finances...those are clear areas of stress. But again, I think I can figure it out. My past experiences have taught me that I am a survivor and that I am capable of overcoming huge obstacles. So why should this time be any different? Besides, who ISN'T going through some stress right now? At least I'm not one of California's 12.2% unemployed.

So things are a little challenging right now, but they're not daunting. My friends may have noticed that I seem thoughtful lately and it's not uncommon for me to call one of them up because I want to talk but I'm not depressed and I'm not suffering from anxiety. As I've indicated, I've proven to myself that I can deal with all of this and that I'm smart enough to make good choices. And now that I don't have to stress out over the imminent threat of physical/mental peril of those closest to me (including myself) I actually have the emotional energy to be a little excited about what's coming next.

Excited, not anxious. Imagine that.


Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
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