The Apology Is The Easy Part

We are in the middle of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During this time we Jews are supposed to atone for our sins against others. We don't need to confess everything to our Rabbi or anything. We actually have to go to the person who we have slighted, apologize to them and if possible make it up to them. It's not an easy task particularly since in order for the apology to be really genuine you can't throw out a whole bunch of excuses in order to explain yourself. You don't get to say, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I was so swamped with work and then I had to move...not that any of that excuses anything." Because if you're honest with yourself the only reason you bothered to throw in that last sentence was because you hoped it would excuse you to a degree. Anyway, it's one of the Jewish rituals that I actually try to follow. Usually my wrongs involve neglect. Phone calls or emails that remain unanswered and so on. As a rule I try to make-up for my misdeeds quickly after they've occurred so during this ten day period I often find myself apologizing for what I consider minor offenses to people I don't know that well.

But here's the thing that these ten days have proven to me year after year: what I consider a minor offense is sometimes felt as a powerful and hurtful slight by the person who I've offended. You don't have to know someone very well in order to have the power to hurt them. It's a hard thing to remember. But these ten days help me keep it all in perspective for the months and years to follow. And as hard as the apologies are it's nice to start the new year off with a clean slate and frequently I find that I'm able to renew budding friendships that I have wrongly allowed to fall by the waist-side.

But these ten days also always bring up the issue of forgiveness for me. I'll admit that I'm not the most forgiving person in the world. I don't hold grudges over minor offenses in fact minor offenses rarely bother me even at the moment they're occurring. I always have a lot on my plate and I certainly can't be bothered by a few harsh words thrown out by someone who is having a hard time or in a bad mood. But the bigger stuff, the stuff that was done deliberately and with calculation or worse, the things that were done to people that I care about...how do i forgive that? Do I need to? I think I can pinpoint the exact moment when I developed a strong skepticism in regards to the value of forgiveness. I was a small child when I saw people that I loved and looked up to forgive someone at the expense of the emotional and physical security of the person he had wronged. Everyone's intentions were good. How could they not be? Everyone always says forgiveness is a wonderful and essential thing and that's what they were doing...forgiving.

So, to quote my friend Kim, "Forgiveness can be overrated."

And yet there are times when it's not. Because while righteous anger has its purpose it can be a destructive force if you keep it alive for too long. That's why my New Year's resolution is to find a way to forgive my ex-husband. I've tried in the past but he hasn't made it easy. If he ever apologized that would help. If he chose to be an active part in his son's life rather than a distant peripheral figure that would help a lot. But I have to remind myself that this is not a malicious man. He doesn't wish me ill and he wants our son to he happy. But there's a part of him that honestly believes that our son is, in many ways, better off without him. That's tragic and horribly sad. And yet when my son comes to me with tears in his eyes because his father never visits him...well how can I not get angry? But there have been so many of those instances that the anger has kind of built up and now I fear that if he ever does get his act together and start visiting his son I won't be able to let go of my anger long enough to be happy about it. There's a part of me that wants to see him pay.

But who does that benefit? Certainly not my son. And while I might enjoy a moment of vindication in the end I'll just feel sad. Sad for him and excruciatingly sad for my boy. Besides, he IS paying. 3/4 of his family doesn't want anything to do with him. I know that hurts him. Whatever anger I feel towards him can't compare with the disappointment he feels in himself.

And perhaps most importantly, I am currently filled with an impotent rage. My anger isn't helping anything. I can't change him. I can't make him into the father that I think he should be. I know my anger isn't helpful to my son which is why I conceal it from him...a practice that might eventual end up giving me an ulcer. So in this case perhaps forgiveness really is everything it's cracked up to be. I just have to find a way to get there.

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
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