Alina's Guest Blog: AMERICA'S TRUE SHAME

Now that I've tackled race, sex and money in my previous posts, I feel I am ready to devote my key clicks to an equally important issue: Bad Song Lyrics.

Now, I happen to be one of those odd people who actually judge a given song based more on lyrics than on music. This is possibly because, as my much more musically talented brother is fond of telling me, I am a rhythm-challenged, melody wasteland.

Be that as it may, I am a song lyric aficionado. Good ones make me consider giving up ever writing another word myself (a particularly favorite example, Stephen Sondheim's "I'm Still Here," wherein the singer explains, "I career from career to career." Brilliant!).

Bad lyrics, on the other hand, make me angry.

There are several categories of bad lyrics in my world.

Category #1: Stupid Rhymes

For instance, when Celine Dion sings in "My Heart Will Go On" that "Love can touch us one time/And last for a lifetime," this is not, technically, a rhyme. It's the same freakin' word!

Then there are gratuitous, have-nothing-to-do-with-anything lyrics, ala The Turtles "So happy together/And how is the weather?" Do turtle emotions affect global climate change? I had no idea!

Honorable mention for the above pointlessness goes to a line from "Les Miserables." A hooker croons to a potential John, "Come on, Captain/You can wear your shoes./Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't refuse?" I suppose she could have sung, "Come on, Captain, you can bring your hoe/Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't say no?" Or even, "Come on, Captain, you can eat some honey/Don't it make a change to have a girl who wants your money?" But that would have been equally inane.

Also inane is changing the pronunciation of a word so that it rhymes when it actually doesn't. The word "pajamas" does not, as a rule, rhyme with "farmers." Yet it does in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" according to Tim Rice. "All these things you saw in your pajamas/Are a long-range forecast for your farmers." Even with an English accent to help the alleged rhyme along, survey says no.

Category #2: Lyrics That Make You Wonder about the Singer's Sanity

As Bette Midler stands "by the side of the road/Waiting for my new friends to come," does she give any though to the caliber of people they might turn out to be? And is she perhaps the person sung about in "The Great Imposter, i.e. "All her friends they just watch her/For they know the great imposter" Certainly nice of them to merely stand by and not do anything. Like offer a word of warning. Great friends!

Anyone ever suspect that Billy "Then she'll carelessly cut you/And laugh while you bleed" Joel and Rod "Knowing that you lied straight-faced while I cried" Stewart are dating the same woman?

Category #3: Factually Incorrect Lyrics

In "Half Breed," Cher croons, "The Indians said I was White by law/The White Man always called me Indian Squaw." What U.S. law, exactly, was it that granted White status to half-breeds in the time of the Cherokee?

"You are the Wind Beneath My Wings." That's nice. Except that, according to my nuclear engineer/science teacher husband, birds fly due to the wind over their wings, not under. Wind beneath your wings would cause you to crash and die.

Don't worry. I have many, many more examples. But now I'd like to hear your faves.

Kyra here: I'd actually like to hear your "faves" too (and I KNOW you have some). And while you mull it over check out Alina's website!

Kyra Davis
http://www.kyradavis.com/
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