Passing The Test Of Character

Hello All,

Now that I’ve finished giving you a brief run down of my Italian trip I can let you in on a little secret: This has honestly been one of the most difficult weeks I’ve had in years. As with most of the more difficult times of my life my current problems are connected to my ex-husband. I can’t blame him exactly, he’s just…lost. I can’t think of a better word for it. But what’s made the recent events so difficult is that unlike during the months after my divorce in 2002 this time I was unable to protect my son from the fallout of everything that’s been going on. He’s 6 now and he sees things that were easy to hide from a 3-year-old. My son is angry and hurt and he has the right to be but trying to be compassionate while still disciplining him when he acts out has been an incredible challenge. I’ve been faced with a lot of challenges these last 7-8 days.

I hate to admit this but I don’t usually look for comfort in religion unless I’m desperate. That’s not to say that I don’t occasionally send up a prayer of thanks when things are going well and I do sing the Shema (a Jewish prayer) with my son every night before he goes to sleep but I don’t necessarily spend a lot of time thinking about the teachings of the Torah or the rabbis. But as I watch my son hurt I can’t help but feel a twinge of desperation and that desperation inspired me to re-read a high holiday sermon given by my rabbi, Richard Litvak. This is not the first time that I’ve called upon this sermon for strength and guidance and it occurred to me that perhaps his words could help someone else too. Below is a very abbreviated version of the sermon. I’ve edited out all the examples he gives to support his points and I’ve skipped over most of the references to the Torah. I’ve done the latter because I honestly think that his words could be helpful to people of any faith. If you’re an atheist then mentally substitute the word “God” with “moral” and “God’s blessing” with “moral praise.” I think that’ll work. Anyway here it is:

The holiday prayer book says that we open during the Ten Days of Repentance, the Book of Life ; which we ourselves have been writing with our own hand. How we respond to daily tests of character in a sense is what we mean when we poetically speak of this Book of Life. It is what constitutes our permanent record. Our permanent record is not about whether or not we get into a future heaven after death. It is a record of how we have done in this life with what really matters, life's daily character tests. Have we led a life that is worthy of God's eternal blessing?

Everyday we choose our higher or lower character. We use our words to hurt or heal. We treat others with compassion or contempt. We are straightforward or we deceive…One of the best things we can do is just become aware…(of) what part of our character is being put to the test. Aware that…we have a higher as well as a lower choice…With this awareness we will pass those character tests.

…we all face tests of the heart in one way or another. Sometimes it is with family and other times with friends. Often times we cannot resolve all of a conflict. What we can do…(is) rise to our higher selves and come up with the bests solution possible from that place of spiritual and emotional integrity…We can write in our permanent record that we were fair, that we balanced justice and mercy; that we strove to act in a manner worthy of God's blessing.

Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav said there are three ways to surmount adversity. You can reach in, reach out, or reach up. You can change your inward view and try to see the blessings in the situation. You can reach outward and try to be blessing to others. Sometimes you have to reach upward for strength and courage to hold on, when life seems to have lost all blessings.

When we face a conflict or matter of the heart in the coming year, let us bring God's eyes to it. Let us bring both justice and mercy. Without controlling others, let us try to act on the best of values…let us not strive for perfection but to bring holiness to a test of the heart

I can’t make my son’s life perfect and I’m not going to try. But I can balance justice and mercy in the way I deal with him and with others who might test me and while I can’t resolve all of this conflict I can rise to my "higher self and come up with the best solution possible from a place of spiritual and emotional integrity." I can feel good about that and I can draw strength from it and that in and of itself is a blessing.

Kyra Davis
www.kyradavis.com
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