More Forgiveness...A Lot More Accountability

I got a lot of responses from my last blog post about forgiveness. Some of your stories are rather intense. There are those of you who have been a victim of a violent crime and those who have had their children kidnapped by an ex...I don't know how you forgive any of that. In fact some of you might want to push the forgiving part to a later date and use the present to channel your anger into the fight that you may need to engage in.

It is important to remember that, to quote my Facebook friend Adi, "...asking for forgiveness is for the sake of the other party, and forgiving is for your own good." That's very true. But as it says in Ecclesiastes there's a time to tear and a time to mend (ect.). So if this is the time to fight please fight. Just remember that when the battle is over you should try to find a way to forgive or if that's not possible at least let go of the anger for your own good.

But what really worries me is that a lot of people seem to confuse forgiveness with excusing people of responsibility. A bank teller can forgive the man who held a gun to her head during a robbery but that doesn't mean the robber shouldn't go to jail.

And that's why the line of defense being used for Polanski is so disturbing to me. I actually heard some guy on the radio say that people should consider all the wonderful movies Polanski made before judging him.. Another said that he shouldn't be judged on this one "mistake."

Drugging and raping a 13 year old isn't a mistake. Yes, I know the victim wants the charges dropped but when you commit a violent crime the victim doesn't get to decide if you are going to be prosecuted or not. If that was the case very few people would ever be arrested for domestic violence. That's not to say I don't feel for Polanski's victim because I do. How horrible must it be to have to relive that moment even once, let alone over and over again. But if we just turn the other cheek we might as well not have any laws.

Of course Polanski and his supporters say that he was dealing with a corrupt judge who wasn't going to honor the plea bargain agreement. They would say that he served his time (45 days) and paid for his mistake (literally since he settled the civil case against him). I also think that since he was a Jew in Poland during the Holocaust it might be understandable that his first impulse after assessing (perhaps correctly) the judge's intentions to throw out the plea deal was to flee. And there are very legitimate questions regarding why they are arresting Polanski now when he seems to have been in plain sight for the last 30 years.

To be honest I do feel for Polanski. I know there are child survivors of genocides who grow up to be functioning adults but I don't know how they do it and I can't say that I can really blame those who are unable to pull off that miracle. People brought up in places where evil is the norm are obviously more likely to do some pretty awful stuff. But we can't change the rules for people who have had a bad, or even a horrible life and to paint this admittedly guilty person as a victim because he has to actually participate in the American justice system is more than a little gross. If his friends and fans want to forgive him then they have the right to do so but their forgiveness doesn't give him diplomatic immunity. Again, this man admitted to his crime and if he feels that he has served his complete sentence then he should tell it to the judge and if he doesn't like the judge's verdict he should appeal. Yes, it's a long and arduous process...it's the price you pay when you rape a kid.

In the end I think Polanski might have had even more supporters if he had stayed to face the music. For most of us forgiveness becomes much easier once there's accountability.

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!

The Apology Is The Easy Part

We are in the middle of the ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. During this time we Jews are supposed to atone for our sins against others. We don't need to confess everything to our Rabbi or anything. We actually have to go to the person who we have slighted, apologize to them and if possible make it up to them. It's not an easy task particularly since in order for the apology to be really genuine you can't throw out a whole bunch of excuses in order to explain yourself. You don't get to say, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I was so swamped with work and then I had to move...not that any of that excuses anything." Because if you're honest with yourself the only reason you bothered to throw in that last sentence was because you hoped it would excuse you to a degree. Anyway, it's one of the Jewish rituals that I actually try to follow. Usually my wrongs involve neglect. Phone calls or emails that remain unanswered and so on. As a rule I try to make-up for my misdeeds quickly after they've occurred so during this ten day period I often find myself apologizing for what I consider minor offenses to people I don't know that well.

But here's the thing that these ten days have proven to me year after year: what I consider a minor offense is sometimes felt as a powerful and hurtful slight by the person who I've offended. You don't have to know someone very well in order to have the power to hurt them. It's a hard thing to remember. But these ten days help me keep it all in perspective for the months and years to follow. And as hard as the apologies are it's nice to start the new year off with a clean slate and frequently I find that I'm able to renew budding friendships that I have wrongly allowed to fall by the waist-side.

But these ten days also always bring up the issue of forgiveness for me. I'll admit that I'm not the most forgiving person in the world. I don't hold grudges over minor offenses in fact minor offenses rarely bother me even at the moment they're occurring. I always have a lot on my plate and I certainly can't be bothered by a few harsh words thrown out by someone who is having a hard time or in a bad mood. But the bigger stuff, the stuff that was done deliberately and with calculation or worse, the things that were done to people that I care about...how do i forgive that? Do I need to? I think I can pinpoint the exact moment when I developed a strong skepticism in regards to the value of forgiveness. I was a small child when I saw people that I loved and looked up to forgive someone at the expense of the emotional and physical security of the person he had wronged. Everyone's intentions were good. How could they not be? Everyone always says forgiveness is a wonderful and essential thing and that's what they were doing...forgiving.

So, to quote my friend Kim, "Forgiveness can be overrated."

And yet there are times when it's not. Because while righteous anger has its purpose it can be a destructive force if you keep it alive for too long. That's why my New Year's resolution is to find a way to forgive my ex-husband. I've tried in the past but he hasn't made it easy. If he ever apologized that would help. If he chose to be an active part in his son's life rather than a distant peripheral figure that would help a lot. But I have to remind myself that this is not a malicious man. He doesn't wish me ill and he wants our son to he happy. But there's a part of him that honestly believes that our son is, in many ways, better off without him. That's tragic and horribly sad. And yet when my son comes to me with tears in his eyes because his father never visits him...well how can I not get angry? But there have been so many of those instances that the anger has kind of built up and now I fear that if he ever does get his act together and start visiting his son I won't be able to let go of my anger long enough to be happy about it. There's a part of me that wants to see him pay.

But who does that benefit? Certainly not my son. And while I might enjoy a moment of vindication in the end I'll just feel sad. Sad for him and excruciatingly sad for my boy. Besides, he IS paying. 3/4 of his family doesn't want anything to do with him. I know that hurts him. Whatever anger I feel towards him can't compare with the disappointment he feels in himself.

And perhaps most importantly, I am currently filled with an impotent rage. My anger isn't helping anything. I can't change him. I can't make him into the father that I think he should be. I know my anger isn't helpful to my son which is why I conceal it from him...a practice that might eventual end up giving me an ulcer. So in this case perhaps forgiveness really is everything it's cracked up to be. I just have to find a way to get there.

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!

A Weekend Filled With Cops

So this last weekend I had to call the police...twice.

The first time was on Saturday night. I live in an extremely safe area. I have never seen a more vigilant police department than the one that is based in my city. In the two years I've lived here there have been exactly two car vandalisms on my street and when you consider that I'm in the LA area that's pretty amazing. The reason I know there has been two vandalisms is because when someone breaks a windshield around here the police actually investigate. They go door to door asking the neighbors if they heard or saw anything odd between the hours of this and that. Before moving here I have NEVER lived anywhere where the police had the time or inclination to do that. In San Francisco they don't even care if someone flat out steals the car. The SFPD actually have a website where you can file your car theft report so they don't have to even pretend to care to your face. But like I said, there isn't a lot of crime here so when anything happens at all they're on it.

As a result when the relative peace of my neighborhood is disturbed I take notice as I did Saturday night when I heard some guy loudly cussing out his girlfriend a little before one in the morning. There's a popular bar not more than a block and a half from me so occasionally the moderately inebriated will be escorted to a car parked nearby by their (hopefully sober) designated driver. Initially that's what I thought was going on. But the guy was too angry. He sounded a bit out of control and the girl sounded borderline hysterical.

Well if the police have the time to investigate a few slashed tires they certainly should find the time for this. So I called 911. By the time I had explained why I was calling the girl was no longer answering the man who was yelling at her. She was just screaming. Not screaming words...just screaming. That seemed very bad to me and for a moment I wished one of my Texas friends was nearby so they could wave their gun around and rescue the damsel in distress. I imagined myself doing this in the pink Minnie Mouse night shirt I was wearing but of course my 2nd amendment loving friends weren't around at that moment so that wasn't going to happen.

Fortunately it was only a matter of minutes before I heard the police arrive and yell to someone to "Get down on the ground, now!" That's when my son finally came out of his room and asked me what the commotion was about. I briefly summarized what happened and explained that everyone was safe now. He looked at me askance. "You called the police and told them to come?" I nodded and he flashed me a wide smile. "You're like Sophie! You solved a murder mystery...but you solved it before it was actually a murder or a mystery. It's better that way, isn't it?" I assured him that it was much better that way. It doesn't make very interesting reading but in real life all "murder mysteries" should be dealt with before the actual murder takes place.

The next day was much less dramatic and I didn't exactly play the part of the hero. I took my son hiking in this area called the Stough Canyon Nature Center. As the name suggests there's a building that serves as a little information center and then there are the hills all around filled with hiking trails and wildlife. I parked in the lot by the center and then off we went to look for coyotes and whatnot. I returned to my car at 5:20 only to discover that the parking lot closed at 5. They locked the gate with my car inside and on my windshield was a note explaining that if I wanted to get my car out I would have to call the police department and ask them to free me. Seriously. It also told me that if I chose to leave my car overnight I'd get a ticket.

So for the second day in a row I called the police but the cell phone reception sucks up there and they couldn't understand what I was saying. They ended up going to the wrong place before figuring out where I was and coming to rescue me. I was sitting there for about an hour trying to keep my son occupied and silently cussing myself out. The police officer was very nice and actually apologized for keeping me waiting which I thought was sweet since I was the one who screwed up.

Anyway, it was an eventful weekend and an interesting start to the Jewish New Year. I wonder what's going to happen next weekend ; )

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Mystery Series
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!

Shopping, Dining and A Really Fun Weekend

Sorry for the long absence. After a crazy summer of promoting Lust, Loathing And A Little Lip Gloss, writing Vows, Vendetta's And A Little Black Dress and recovering from a break-up I just needed a little respite.

But I DID want to tell you about Labor Day Weekend with Daneen. For those of you who don't know, Sophie won my Lust Loathing And A Little Lip Gloss contest and got a free Labor Day weekend trip to San Francisco.

I hesitate to call Daneen fabulous because it's a word I frequently throw around too casually. I don't want to use the same term to describe Daneen as I used to describe my most recent shoe purchase. But the thing is while my shoes could easily be described as cool or cute there is simply no better word to describe Daneen than...well, fabulous. What else would you call a woman who manages to balance a career working for a very prominent non-profit company that works to fight cancer with managing her very own extraordinarily successful blog-site (Spoiledpretty.com) about beauty products and always receives back-stage passes for New York Fashion Weeks? Name any A-list celebrity and she's probably on a first name basis with her make-up artist. And the girl knows how to shop! She introduced me to fashion sites and "great finds" that I would never have found on my own!

So anyway, I started our weekend by taking her to Coit Tower (the place where Sophie and Anatoly shared their first kiss). It's been forever since I've been on top of the tower (psst, city planners, the tower's a major monument, you think you could trim the hedges that surround it?!). But hedges aside the view from the tower was wonderful and we had a lot of fun.

Max's Opera Cafe (where Sophie dined in Obsession Deceit And A Really Dark Chocolate) was fantastic. The service was good and the food...well, the food is always awesome at Max's so that was a given. We ended the night in North Beach where we discovered new cocktails together.

The next day we went to Zazzie for breakfast (you'll remember that Sophie ate there with murder-suspect Maria in Lust, Loathing). If you haven't eaten at Zazzie you are seriously missing out. Yes, there's bound to be a long wait but it's definitely worth it. The food is exquisite and they have at least 5 or 6 different kinds of mimosas (try the Sunshine Mimosa!). Then it was off to the the Botanical Gardens where I took her to the "Bitches Circle" where Sophie discovered her first dead body. We hung out there for a while until the mosquitoes started attacking and then we drove over to the coast to explore Sutro Heights (where Sophie had her infamous confrontation with Kane). Sutro Heights is just so beautiful, it's impossible not to become enchanted as you stand up on the cliff looking down at the endless ocean. We did some more site seeing and then it was time to shop!

I took her to CocoaBella Chocolates where we were treated like VIPs and Daneen was given a tour and her own little box of hand selected chocolates. Then at my insistence we went to Sephora. I mean, come on, if you were with one of the country's top beauty bloggers wouldn't you want to go to Seophora with her too? She introduced me to Kim Kardashian's favorite mascara (Danneen is very close to Kim's make-up artist) Lancôme's Hypnose Drama, Benefit's truly magical concealer, Erase Paste, and the best hair product I've ever used, Joico Curl Definer. Clearly this was the part of the trip where she was the one in charge and I was her very eager student.

But then I put my tour-guide hat back on and took her to Restaurant Lulu (where Sophie and Marcus lunched in Sex, Murder And A Double Latte) which was AMAZING! I've been there more times than I can count but the food is always incredible and the service literally just gets better and better and that's saying something. Oh, and did I mention the truly spectacular wine list? Next time you're in San Francisco you must check it out. And be sure to get the mussels!

Unfortunately that's all we had time for during our short weekend but I hope to have the chance to hang out with Daneen again sometime.

I honestly love my readers. I have yet to meet a Sophie fan I didn't really enjoy taking to. Daneen was obviously no exception to that rule.


Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!

Touring SF Sophie Style!

Unlike last weekend which was an emotionally turbulent and sometimes trying experience (more on that next week) this weekend promises to be nothing but fun. This is the weekend in which I will be touring contest winner Daneen Baird all over San Francisco. She will be coming all the way from Philadelphia (one of my absolute favorite cities) and we'll be going to all of Sophie's hot spots. From Sex, Murder And A Double Latte we'll be visiting Restaurant Lulu (Sophie lunched there with Marcus), the notorious "Bitch's Circle," in Golden Gate Park's Botanical Gardens and Coit Tower (where Sophie took Anatoly on their first date). From Obsession Deceit And Really Dark Chocolate we'll be going to Max's Opera Cafe (where Sophie had dinner with various murder suspects) and from Lust, Loathing And A Little Lip Gloss we'll be visiting Zazzie's (she dined there with Maria) and Sutro Heights (where she had her confrontation with Kane). In addition to all that we'll be going to a Comedy Club and a host of other things.

I've spoken to Daneen on the phone and I really am excited about meeting her. If you haven't checked out her website spoiledpretty.com you really should head over there now. For those who enjoy playing with cosmetics her site is about as fun as a trip to Sephora.

I'll let you all know how it goes!

Kyra Davis
Bestselling Author of:
The Sophie Katz Murder Mystery Series,
and
SO MUCH FOR MY HAPPY ENDING
Order LUST, LOATHING AND A LITTLE LIP GLOSS on Amazon or Barnesandnoble.com today!